I can tell you what pisses me off. Cooking programs, shitty cookbooks with pathetic recipes, watching TV programs on chefs, with over stimulated egos and criticizing about stuff they have no idea about. That’s probably what you call the “short dick syndrome.” Giving their opinion over someone’s food that they interpret wrong, fucking idiots!In many ways, the work of a critic is easy, its child play. You risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to your judgment. Like food critics that want to judge your food, but they have no concept about your food philosophy, trying to get behind the idea if you want to deconstruct a classic dish, for example: asparagus, poached egg, parmesan cheese and truffle oil. These narrow minded motherfuckers are better off being car guards at a shopping mall. Then the blind population will read their miss spelt words in a news paper (learn how to use spellchecker asshole), and they will probably get a free meal at the restaurant (cause the scared, incompetent, easy manipulated manager can’t grow a pair of balls and tell them to go ask for a freebee at the steers down the road) would feed these vultures just in hope to get a good review in the local paper, because it is so important what these assholes have got to say about the food and service. If you were so good at what you did, where’s your multimillion dollar business? You make me laugh like the commis chef I laughed at when I gave him sugar and told him to chop it fine on the cutting board because the icing sugar was not delivered, and I need 500g in the next 30 minutes!
Are you formally trained; in how many countries and continents have you cooked before you decided to become a food critic or as you like to be known as food connoisseur/specialist/aficionado? You were probably the fuck up that couldn’t cut the cheese in your first semester and decided to be the next batman of food critics.
When you buy a painting from an art shop, you would firstly decipher the artist and his work, investigate which other creations he has created and the meaning of his work, where does the artist originate from, what is the message he tries to carry through in his work. But it is easier to go into a restaurant, stuff your pie hole with free food, don’t pay the bill and refuse to tip the waiting staff , then go home and write a piece of shit that’s not worth wiping your ass with and hope the general public will take you seriously.
Study the philosophy of the chef. To really understand what the chef creating on your plate. But food critics are like lazy uneducated vultures.
Most professional chefs who get judged today have been cooking for more than 18 years. Then in some cases the persona gets judged over their substance, take Gordon Ramsay for example.
But here's the scenario: Some chefs are being judged by individuals that know less about food than they do. But yet, you have to take it like a man. Well I don't want to take it like a man anymore. I'm fed up with the sarcasm, the damn right rudeness and more important, the arrogance of food critics. Have they actually spent a 16-hour shift cooking 70 to 80 lunches, 120 to 150 dinners short staffed, fish cook is not turning in, produce inconsistent because of the weather?"
The pressure on a young, ambitious chef, today is far greater than ever before in terms of social skills, marketing skills, cooking skills, personality and, more importantly, delivering on the plate. So you need to be strong. Before opening your pie hole, there are some basic tips that I believe a food critic or someone complaining about food should consider and take into account before blabbering about something you are actually uneducated to even think of.
1. Become familiar with the restaurant business. Owning or co-owning a restaurant is very practical for a food critic. At the very least, you should know how things operate behind the scenes. If possible, work in restaurants and study how they work from top to bottom. Educate yourself.
2. Test the limits of your palate. To be a food critic, you must have an incredible and adventurous palate. Expand your curiosity and be prepared to try every kind of food and drink. You might have to be brave at times and go way out of your comfort zone. Training your palate is like exercising a muscle. You need to be able to detect the subtle nuances of flavor and seasoning in food.
3. Become an expert in food. Your goal should be to become a first class connoisseur of cuisine. Food should become your life! Dedicate yourself to searching out the finest, latest, rarest and most delicious incredible culinary knowledge. Read the cookbooks from all the great master chefs from all around the world. You should be obsessive in your search for new food trends and ideas.
4. Travel to food and wine festivals, from first class to the obscure.
5. Study the art of cooking. Take cooking classes non-stop. You should attain a "chef" level in cooking as a goal.
6. Build your culinary vocabulary. Frequent fresh food markets and learn about produce and herb seasonings from all over the world.
7. Try to take a few wine classes and make many visits to wineries. A good appreciation of wine is crucial. Knowing how to taste wine can also develop your palate.
8. Consider becoming an expert on certain foods, such as dark chocolate, later in your career. Many food writers also immerse themselves in the history and culture of food to add depth to their articles.
9. Study French, Spanish and Italian. Learn at least one language fluently as well as being versed in the languages of Japan, China and the Mediterranean
10. Research other food critics and chefs. This is imperative.
When you go to a new restaurant, go with three friends. Bring someone who's familiar with that kind of cuisine (such as if the cuisine is ethnic and your friend grew up in the country it originated from). Ask everyone to order something different (including appetizers and dessert) and take two bites of every dish, including your own.
If you're going to make a career out of critiquing food, it's important that you don't become recognizable.
"I don't LIKE food, I LOVE it. If I don't LOVE it, I don't SWALLOW." — Food critic Anton Ego in the movie Ratatouille.
There are only two professions that I am aware of where 1) someone gets hired to masquerade as someone who can’t say no 2) a person gets paid to do what other people consider a pleasure and 3) they usually declare themselves disgusted afterward. And I should tell you that the ‘other’ one is a hooker! I think that it was Bob Hope who checked into a hotel in Vegas and called down to reception asking them to send up a $100 prostitute. 10 minutes later a bearded academic with a clip board arrived at his door.
ReplyDeleteFood critics were once the scourge of restaurants, armed with their antiquated cameras and little notebooks they would terrorize restaurants the world over. Just the thought that a food critic was visiting your restaurant sent you scurrying for extra staff and doubling your management presence for the evening. The funny thing, nowadays is… No body cares! These once influential voices have made themselves irrelevant.
They have truly "dug" their own graves...Restaurants should be more concerned about a customer with an iPhone or a Blackberry than a strange freeloader with the words ‘Food Critic’ tattooed on their forehead.
After having the priveledge of being in your prescence whilst you were harrasing your brain concerning "food critics" i went into some in depth research concerning these " vulturous" people, writers who have nothing to write about, who try and crack the code if so to say, about something they know nothing about...
So how do you become a ‘food critic’? I went on line and sure enough eHow has all the answers you need. Nine simple steps, easy to follow instructions and you are on your way to plenty of free food and an opportunity to be hated by all.
Step One
Write well. A good food critic is a storyteller, not just a knowledgeable diner. (Not just a free loader who has illusions of grandeur, a struggling wanna be writer who has expelled from their high school magazine)
Step Two
Immerse yourself in your subject. Be knowledgeable about food, and read everything you can about food and dining. (That may help you actually realise that this is NOT about your personal taste)
Step Three
Attend a culinary school or work in a professional kitchen, if possible. It’s invaluable experience for a food critic. (Need help, I know a number of restaurant owners who would love to have you spend time in their kitchens, surrounded by hot oil and sharp knives, just make sure your medical aid is up to date)
Step Four
Be enthusiastic about the subject; the reader can sense your passion in your prose. (Slating every restaurant you enter may sell more papers but it gets a little tiresome after a while)
Step Five
Cultivate your palette. Experience eating a wide variety of foods. (Eating fast food all week does not constitute ‘Cultivating your palete)
Step Six
Have some understanding of how a restaurant kitchen works, and know how mass production affects food. (This is not quite as easy as buying a preprepared meal from Woolies, popping it in the microwave, tipping it into your own dishes and claiming you can cook!)
Step Seven
Describe the meal in detail; what does it look, smell and taste like? (Go to www.dictionary.com if you run out of big words)
Step Eight
Give an in-depth picture of the entire meal, including descriptions of the restaurant and its decor. Detail how all aspects of the restaurant and the service contribute to the dining experience. (Consult my ‘soon to be famous’ X Factor system)
Step Nine
Do something else professionally while being a food critic. Food critics usually don’t last more than five years. (That long? Oh shit!)
So there you have it! Tired of working 9-5? Tired of paying for your own meals? This job may just be the one you have been waiting for
This is just the sarcasm coming through from an amateur as myself who has no idea how a qualified chef or a food critic operates... i just know who I believe in...
Keep on writing its awesome....
xxx
thanks for your annotations Lana. your comments are interesting to read. I’ll keep writing the next cypher
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